My Story starts Here
Born and raised in Singapore, the one thing that I bought into while growing up was the cookie-cutter definition of success (perhaps this sounds familiar to some of you) – the busyness that comes with going about the daily grind, seeing a good-sized month-end pay-check in my bank account, a weekend comprising mostly of sleep catch-up sessions that then led to the repeat of this cycle in the week that followed.
I thought that every working girl had to go through this process in order to truly make it. I held this outlook throughout my twenties across a number of jobs. One of these jobs, however, truly stands out. It’s the job that shaped who I am today; it was also the job that broke my spirit.
In the immediate aftermath of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, I was lucky enough to have been given the opportunity to work based in tsunami-struck Nias Island (off the Western coast of Indonesia) for a year. Working there as a photojournalist allowed me to engage in both writing and photography – two endeavours close to my heart. I felt very fulfilled as it was a role that allowed me to express my inner voice and augment my existing skill-set. Despite the growth, adventure and novel experiences the job offered, what I was doing to myself (or not doing) was simply not sustainable.
“I forgot three main things during my anxiety disorder and depression diagnosis. They are: 1) the blessings in my life 2) my own inner power 3) my own definition of success and happiness - not society’s.”
I returned to Singapore eventually and I continued living my life in an 'unsustainable' way. I was on auto-pilot practically every day in any job I was in and didn't feel the need to take breaks or listen to my mind and body. I was getting my escape from an intense workout - pushing my body and believed that sleep can be done when I’m dead. But honestly, I felt empty inside, I felt dead even when I was living. And this was when I spiralled into depression and experienced constant panic attacks, which then led me to seek professional medical advice. I was subsequently diagnosed with anxiety disorder with depression.
It was truly a crippling period - I couldn’t do basic function like showering, commuting (I lost my job because of this), couldn’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror and goes into a cold sweat whenever the car stops. It was a weird time. In hindsight, this ‘breakdown’ planted a single seed of change in me. I learned the hard way that while you can love your job and give it everything you’ve got (and more) – if you don’t take care of your personal wellness, literally no one else will.
Many moons have passed since I was diagnosed. I sought help from mental health professionals. Some who are not professionals told me to not take medication or I will be blacklisted for a job. But I think securing a job was last on my priority list. I wanted the best for me. I owe it to myself to heal first. Trust me, there is no shame in getting help. You must get help from the right professionals, and then use all the many available tools like yoga, meditation, journaling, counselling etc to help you find your path again. This healing isn’t like taking a pill for a headache and it will all magically go away after a nap.
And honestly, it wasn’t a walk in the park and I certainly wouldn't say that the anxiety has gone away completely – what I can say, however, is that I have learned to put my well-being first, every single day. So, go slow and gentle in your journey. And I now have full awareness of when my anxiety and depression is approaching and how to cope with them. And I too have made a conscious effort to always choose to focus on the positive, no matter how dark the days are.
And now, here I am, currently based in Dubai, UAE. Sharing this platform for the last 2 years. Through this platform and my service offerings, it is my hope that you, wherever you are in the world, can do the same for your own well-being and begin (or continue) the journey of discovering your inner-self.
MY PROMISE TO YOU
What I promise you is that I am not here to be a know-it-all, nor am I a person to heal all your pain away. If you come to me for that, I’m sorry, please don’t. I am not here to advocate any quick fixes like ‘Master Meditation in 28 days’ because it propagates the idea that one can achieve aspirational wellness (whether it's physical or mental) within an impossibly short duration of time. What I want for you is to see your breakdown, your stressors, as a blessing and an initiation to learn and grow from it all. I want you to find the courage to see, meet and know your real self and let all the unnecessary noise fade away. I want you to believe that the power to find your inner equilibrium and fulfilment is within you.
I am here as a guide, a bridge for you to come back to yourself.
I humbly invite you to join me.
My best intentions,
Ferina Aziz
“If I had taken the time to pause in the midst of all that busyness, would I still have developed depression?”– I frequently asked myself this question after being diagnosed. Like taking the time to water a seedling, I realised that what we focus on grows. When we focus on the negative and take the positive in our lives for granted, we fuel the growth of anything associated with negativity. Similarly, if we focus on the positive, and acknowledge the negative, we’ll find that the good things in our lives have more room to multiply and become abundant.”
HOUSE OF PAUSE
IS FOR YOU IF
seek a place of calm, destress, through various meditative practices and techniques
consciously connect with our community - supporting each other in our individual journey
want to take control of your well-being starting with your mind
making slow-living and ‘pauses’ a way of life
authentically find your own bearings